


A Comet Appears (A So Many Stars Extra)

by transdimensional_void



Series: So Many Stars [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Angst, Co-workers, F/M, Japan, Japhan, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 19:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5714242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transdimensional_void/pseuds/transdimensional_void
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is in some serious denial (Chapters 9 and 10 of "So Many Stars" from Phil’s perspective)</p><p>**MAJOR SPOILERS** for "So Many Stars," so please read that first!! I thought it would be interesting to write some of the events of SMS from Phil's point of view and show some of the things that were taking place behind the scenes. I hope you enjoy!</p><p>Note: When text is written [like this] it means they’re speaking in Japanese.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Comet Appears (A So Many Stars Extra)

**Akari**

_Mada seiri ga konai_

 

Phil read the text again before setting his phone aside and leaning his head back against the _tatami_ room wall.

 

It was Wednesday, and Akari was six days late now. Tomorrow would make a full week. There’d been a couple of occasions in the past where her period had been a few days late, and she’d started to worry, but it had never been a full week before. Still, he told himself, it was probably nothing.

 

She’d first told him about it on Sunday in Nagano, when it was still only three days overdue. It had surprised him at first, that she was so worried about it after only a few days, until the conversation had taken a sudden turn.

 

_“[If I were pregnant…]”_ she’d murmured as they sat on the grass at the edge of the football pitch where the men’s team were losing their final match very badly, “ _[…what do you think you would want to do?]”_

 

He had turned quickly to look at her then, a warning siren sounding in the back of his head. Her posture was still casual enough: leaning back on her hands with her legs stretched out in front. She was dressed in blue shorts and a yellow jersey, the uniform of their prefectural team, though she’d traded her boots and shin guards for a pair of flowery sandals. The sky overhead was a biting blue, and there was a slight mountain chill in the air, but Akari had insisted she wasn’t cold. She looked cute in her uniform, she said, so she’d kept it on, even though the women’s team had been resoundingly defeated in their own final match hours ago. Phil didn’t really like to play himself, but he had come along to spend time with his friends and to support Akari. 

 

She was gazing back at him with an expectant air about her, her head tilted to one side, her eyes unblinking.

 

_“[That would depend on what you wanted to do…]”_ Phil replied at last. “ _[Do you think you’re ready to have a baby right now?]”_

 

The quickness of her reply had startled him.

 

_“Hai. Kitto,”_ she’d stated, her expression remaining just as steady and serious. _Yes. I’m sure_.

 

Maybe if he hadn’t been so startled, he wouldn’t have made the mistake of blurting out his next question.

 

_“Maji ka?”Seriously?_

 

The frown had appeared between her eyebrows first, before spreading down into her eyes and then her lips. 

 

_“[Yes, seriously. Do you mean you think I can’t be a good mother like I am now?]”_

 

Her voice had been tight and low to keep the other spectators around them from hearing. Of course he hadn’t meant anything of the sort, but once she’d taken it that way, there had been no coming back.

 

_“[I was just surprised because you seemed so sure],”_ he’d tried to explain. It seemed reasonable enough to be surprised. She’d never sounded so sure about it before.

 

_“[Aren’t you ready to be a parent, too?]”_ she’d demanded. _“[I thought you wanted to become a father.]”_

 

He couldn’t understand why she was flinging this at him like it was some sort of accusation. Sure, they’d discussed it a lot recently — the idea of the two of them getting married and having children one day. The conversations had mostly been happy ones, just two people in love dreaming up a future together. But to Phil the dreams had always seemed comfortably distant. _In a few years_ , he’d always said, _when we’re both more settled_.

 

But suddenly, there they’d been sat at the edge of a football pitch in Nagano, and Akari was hinting that their beautiful dream of the future was about to become a very present reality. It made the mountain air seem far thinner than it really was.

 

_“[If it’s necessary, I can be ready],”_ he’d tried again, _“[but don’t you think it would be better to wait?]”_

 

_“[Why isn’t it better to just have a baby right now?]”_ She was still sitting there so casually, with little red flowers between her toes. Just by looking at her, you’d never have guessed that she’d just led Phil out into the middle of a minefield.

 

All he could do was stare at her in stunned silence. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t know how to answer as that he had too many answers — too many reasons crowding into his brain — _Because I want to go back to England first. I want to start a real career, be more financially secure, get married… Because I want to_ live more _first…_

 

When he had at last tried to explain his reservations, Akari was ready with answers for each one: They could move to England after the baby was born. Japan was a great place to have a baby, and having her family nearby would be a big help in the first few months. He made plenty of money to support them from his teaching job and YouTube. He could change his career later. And there was no reason why they couldn’t go ahead and get married now!

 

He hadn’t had the guts to bring up his final objection.

 

All her suggestions were so reasonable, such neat and tidy solutions to every problem he foresaw. So why did he find himself shaking his head at every one? Why did it feel as though each word from her mouth was a new land mine dropping onto the field before him? He could see the frustration mounting behind her eyes as she realized her perfect answers were leaving him unconvinced.

 

_“[Let’s just wait and see],”_ he’d said at last and then had watched her bite back whatever words had been waiting at the tip of her tongue and turn away — a tactical retreat, he thought, except that she wasn’t general, and this wasn’t a battlefield.

 

It was only later, when they were riding back north to Harata in the silent backseat of Seiji’s car that it had dawned on him that every one of his objections had started with the word “I.”

 

He pushed the thought aside and dragged his attention back to the present moment. On the table before him sat his laptop, open to his YouTube channel page. He was in the middle of uploading a new video — “Four Times Football Almost Killed Me” — with a bit of footage from his Nagano weekend, and it was in the processing stage now. He estimated it would take a few more minutes yet. That was no help. He opened a new tab and began to idly browse through recent comments, and for a few minutes, that was distraction enough. He mustered smiles for a few of the sillier ones and rolled his eyes at all the spam comments (“Free iPad! Click Here! Gain More Subscribers Instantly!”). Then he paused as he came across a comment on a video from several weeks ago: “Please make another video with the brown-haired guy!!!”

 

He raised his eyebrows.

 

“Three exclamation points?” he muttered to the empty room around him.

 

_That_ was another issue entirely — a small one, though, and he planned to keep it that way. Dan had barely been in the video for a few seconds, but there was a small, very vocal, minority of his subscribers who had somehow managed to grow attached to him in that short amount of time. He couldn’t help wondering what featuring Dan for an entire video would lead to.

 

And therein lay the issue. He didn’t mind including the occasional clip from his daily life in his videos. He knew a lot of his viewers watched his videos to get a glimpse of life in Japan. Nevertheless, he preferred not to feature his real-life acquaintances in his videos too often. Even Akari only showed up on rare occasions and even then, only in brief clips. He felt it was important to keep a solid line drawn between his real life and his YouTube life. For one thing, that made it easier when people inevitably left and went back to their home countries. The viewers wouldn’t bother asking the whereabouts of people they didn’t even remember. Dan would be gone in a year or two just like all the others. It wouldn’t do for either Phil or his viewers to get too attached.

 

As he had the thought, a flash of memory flitted across his mind: waking in a warm futon, his body pressed against a warm back, his hand on someone’s hip, and their soft scent filling his nostrils.

 

He shoved the thought aside. It was nothing. 

 

The only reason his memory kept insisting on taking him back to that moment was that he was worried that it might be _something_ , but it was nothing, and it would remain nothing as long as he didn’t dwell on it.

 

He switched back over to the first tab and saw that his video was finished processing now, and with a sigh of relief, he set it to public. Immediately, he clicked over to the tab he had open to Twitter and tweeted the link before moving over to the tab where he’d opened tumblr and posting it there too. Once the video was properly posted on all his social media, he shut his laptop with a satisfied snap and hurried out into the living room. He needed to stop letting himself brood so much, and he was pretty sure a little _Bioshock_ was just what he needed to take his mind off it all.

 

Two more texts arrived in the middle of the next morning while he and Dan were silently studying their Japanese textbooks side by side in the staff room. When he felt the two buzzes, back to back, he pulled his phone from his pocket, keeping it under the desk as he checked the screen. While using cell phones for non-work purposes during school hours wasn’t exactly forbidden, it was still best to be discreet about it. If the other teachers noticed him doing it too often, he was sure to start hearing oblique comments about it — _[Ne, Firu-sensei, you must like your mobile a lot!]_. It was rare that his Japanese co-workers outright told him off, but they always managed to make it very clear when they disapproved of something.

 

The first message was about the English speech contest tomorrow.

 

**Seiji**

_Yeah, I’d be happy to give you and Dan a ride. It would be easier to pick you both up at one apartment, though._

 

Phil unconsciously began to chew his lip as he closed that message and opened the other.

 

**Akari**

_[You didn’t answer me last night. Are you still angry? My period still isn’t here. Can I come over tonight?]_

 

Oh, crap. He’d completely forgotten to answer Akari’s text last night. He almost groaned aloud. _Bioshock_ had done too good a job of distracting him. Crap.

 

“Something up?” Dan’s voice broke across his self-flagellating thoughts.

 

Phil plastered a grin across his face and shoved the phone back in his pocket.

 

“Nah, it’s nothing,” he said. _Need a new topic… Need a new topic…_ “Hey, you wanna hear some juicy gossip?”

 

One side of Dan’s mouth rose in an uncertain smile, and he turned his head a little to give Phil a sidewise glance.

 

“All right…” he prompted.

 

“So, apparently,” Phil murmured, leaning forward and raising his eyebrows in a conspiratorial manner, “Mr. Suzuki and Miss Iwato were seen on a date together at Nasu Highland Park this past weekend.”

 

Dan looked satisfyingly shocked for a moment before furrowing his brow and folding in his lips.

 

“Um,” he said, “Are we sure it was a date? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Mr. Suzuki seems kind of like…he wouldn’t be interested in dating Miss Iwato? Or any woman? Maybe they were just hanging out as friends.”

 

Phil shook his head. He’d also always wondered about whom Mr. Suzuki might prefer to date, but he’d had his information from a reliable source: one of the teachers at Nishisho. Of course everyone here at Nishichu must know all about the incident as well, but there was no way _they_ were going to discuss it, at least not during school hours.

 

“Men and women don’t go out together in pairs as ‘just friends’ here,” Phil tried to explain. “Maybe they do in Tokyo or other big cities, but Harata is a pretty conservative little town. Dating in general is kind of old-fashioned here.”

 

Dan pursed his lips and nodded.

 

“Good to know,” he snorted, “in case my love life ever decides to take a turn for the better.”

 

“Aw, don’t say that. I’m sure loads of girls around here would be willing to date you,” Phil rushed to assure him. “You just have to go about it the right way. Well, I say that as if I really know anything,” he amended, rolling his eyes a bit. “Akari was actually the one who asked me out. And I almost ruined our first date.”

 

“Oh?” the other ALT said, glancing to the side to watch one of the P.E. teachers walk by.

 

“Yeah, it’s kind of a funny story, actually,” Phil went on without waiting for Dan to look back at him. “We went out to eat together and really hit it off, and when she was dropping me off back at my place — I didn’t have my own car yet then — I thought it would be all right to give her a peck on the cheek to say goodbye, but when I leaned over to kiss her, she made this face like—“ He paused because Dan still hadn’t turned back around, and he wanted to show him the face. Seconds passed, yet even though the P.E. teacher had gone, Dan was still staring in that direction. Phil frowned. Was there something happening outside the window? He glanced over, too, but all he saw were the bushes out front. Huh. 

 

“Dan?”

 

“What? Oh, sorry,” Dan muttered, turning back at last. “She made a face like…?”

 

“Um, well, like you might make if you were about to be slapped in the face by a smelly, wet gym sock,” Phil explained, feeling like the story had lost a bit of its momentum.

 

“Wow, gross.” Dan’s tone was flat, and his expression looked almost disinterested. Phil was starting to feel self-conscious.

 

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, “so I thought that I’d read her completely wrong and she’d actually hated our date. I figured things were over, but then she actually asked me out on a second date… But, yeah, basically no touching at all is allowed until you’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend…is what I learned.”

 

He’d kind of rushed the end of the story because Dan had already started glancing out the window again. Was it really that boring of a story? People usually thought it was pretty funny, at least when he got the chance to tell it properly… Even if it was boring, Dan had never struck him as the type to be so rude just because he was bored.

 

“Hey, um, I’m gonna run to the bathroom really quick,” Dan said, looking back at him at last with a swift, apologetic smile. “I have a class next period, so… Yeah, sorry.”

 

Phil gave a little nod of acknowledgement, but Dan was already rising from his chair and turning toward the door, so he doubted he even saw it. When he was gone, Phil frowned down at his hands for a minute. Had he said something to make Dan uncomfortable? He couldn’t imagine what…unless it was just that Dan felt bad about being single? Phil had thought he had been joking about his love life needing to take a turn for the better, but maybe he’d been serious. And Phil talking about Akari had seemed like boasting…?

 

Oh, shit. Akari. He’d almost forgotten to reply to her text again.

 

He dove into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

 

**Phil**

_[I’m really sorry. I was very busy last night. I’m not angry, but I don’t think tonight will be a good time to come over. Dan might be staying because of Speech Contest. How about if you came over tomorrow?]_

 

Next, he responded to Seiji.

 

**Phil**

_I’ll see if Dan can stay over at mine, so plan to pick us up there!_

 

He was thinking he would ask Dan if he could spend the night when he came back to the staff room, but by the time the bell rang to signal the end of third period, he still hadn’t shown up. Then, just two minutes before fourth period was set to start, the door to the staff room slid open, and Dan dashed inside, grabbed his books, and tossed Phil a hurried greeting before disappearing again. Phil watched him go with another frown. Had he actually done something to upset Dan, or was he reading too much into it?

 

After Dan’s fourth period class was over, they had lunch and then _hiruyasumi_ , so Phil didn’t end up getting a chance to talk to him again until that afternoon. He seemed back to normal by then, though, which was a relief, and he eagerly agreed to stay the night at Phil’s, so Phil decided that whatever had thrown him off this morning probably hadn’t been personal.

 

As he pulled out onto the road in front of the school, Phil had to admit that he was feeling just a touch of excitement about having Dan over, almost like he’d used to feel as a kid when his parents had let him have a sleepover with a friend. Dan was chattering away about how he just knew that one of their kids would win something tomorrow, and it was easy for Phil to let his cheerful words wash over him and drown out the niggling little voice in the back of his head that kept reminding him that Akari still hadn’t replied to his message from this morning.

 

He managed to ignore the voice for the entire rest of the evening, as he and Dan shared a stir-fry and then decided to go head to head again in MarioKart. It was so easy to get lost in their lighthearted banter.

 

“You’re going down this time,” he growled at Dan as the numbers counted down to the start of the first race.

 

“Pff,” Dan snorted, “You wish.”

 

And, okay, so maybe Dan did win the first round…and the second…and the third…and the fourth… 

 

After the fifth time Dan beat him, he dropped his controller on the ground and grinned at Phil.

 

“What was that you were saying about me going down? Hmmm? Hmmmmmm??”

 

Phil shook his head and glared at the smug little grin on his smug little face and felt a sudden urge to do something that would wipe that grin right off.

 

That brought him crashing back down to reality at once.

 

“I think it’s time for bed,” he said, tossing the controller aside and making for the door to the lounge at once.

 

He didn’t wait for Dan to follow him but went straight to the _tatami_ room and began setting up the _futon,_ carefully ignoring the way his heart was fluttering in his chest. Dan appeared a few minutes later and starting helping him, and it was nothing. Just another little nothing.

 

Then Dan stepped onto the _futon_ as though he expected to be sleeping there.

 

“No, no, this is where I’m sleeping,” Phil rushed to explain. “You’re the guest, so you get the bed.”

 

Dan was giving him a look like he thought he was being ridiculous.

 

“I’m not going to kick you out of your own bed,” he objected. “I don’t mind sleeping on a futon.” 

 

Phil shook his head.

 

“No, I insist.” He never made guests sleep on the _futon_ if he could help it. It just didn’t seem right to let them sleep on the floor while he wallowed in a big, comfy bed. There was a pause, and he could see the conflict within Dan. It almost made him want to laugh. Wasn’t this just so British of them, trying to out-polite each other?

 

“There’s plenty of room in your bed, you know,” Dan said suddenly, catching Phil off-guard. “Maybe we could share.”

 

_A warm back, rising and falling gently with each slow, sleepy breath—_

 

“No, I’ll sleep in here,” Phil stated as firmly as he knew how and then stepped onto the _futon_ and bent to pull back the covers. Why was his heart beating so quickly again? _It’s nothing_ , he reminded himself. _Nothing at all._

 

“Well, if you insist…” Dan was saying. Phil busied himself sliding under the duvet so that he wouldn’t have to meet his eye, “Um, good night.”

 

“Night!” Phil called over his shoulder as he rolled to face the wall.

 

It wasn’t until the bedroom door slid shut behind Dan that he realized he hadn’t even changed into his pajamas, and the lights in both the lounge and the _tatami_ room were still on. With a sigh, he pushed the covers off and stood. He took care of the lights first, and checked to make sure the front door was locked — he’d forgotten to one night and gotten a very drunk, late-night guest — and since there was no way he was going into his bedroom to get his pajamas, pulled off his jeans and climbed into the _futon_ again in just his jumper and boxers.

 

He could hear Dan rustling around next door, probably trying to get comfortable in the unfamiliar bed. Immediately, he could see him there, tucked up under the duvet, lit only by the orange light of street lamps filtering through the blinds over the French doors. Were his eyes closed? Were his hands tucked between his knees or beneath the pillow? Did the light from the window form a glowing crescent along the smooth curve of his cheek?

 

Phil closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath. Sometimes his imagination got carried away. He had a very vivid imagination. But he knew how to stop it when he needed to. Just a few deep breaths, focus on the in and out. Relax each muscle, from his little toe all the way to the top of his head, focus on his breaths, let his mind think of nothing, especially not the man in his bed next door…

 

 

 

He slept well, probably better than he had any right to.

 

He dreamed, too, though when he opened his eyes, he couldn’t remember what about — only that it had made him wake with a smile and a soft radiance in his chest.

 

It was early, and he was pretty sure Dan was still asleep. That was okay, though. For once, despite the early hour, he felt rested and ready to tackle the day head on. As he headed down the corridor to his bathroom, he couldn’t think what he’d felt so worried about last night. Akari probably hadn’t texted him because she’d been busy. He’d send her another message in a while to check in about their plans for later. And Dan? He laughed a little to himself as he reached for his toothbrush. Dan was unreasonably good at MarioKart, that was all, but he’d find a way to beat him somehow!

 

Unlike Phil, Dan could have easily been mistaken for a zombie when he finally shuffled up to the breakfast table, and Phil would have joked about it if he’d thought Dan was actually capable of comprehending jokes in his current state. He was surprised that Dan seemed to have slept so poorly. Most of his previous guests had compared sleeping in his bed to lying on a heavenly golden cloud.

 

But coffee and breakfast seemed to perk Dan up, and by the time they made it to the contest venue, he had at least regained the ability to respond in complete sentences. Phil had taken advantage of their quiet ride to shoot Akari another text.

 

**Phil**

_[If you can’t come over to my place tonight, I can come over to yours. Please tell me which is better for you.]_

 

He had to suppress a grin when Dan was chosen to give an encouraging speech to the gathered students. He looked about ready to bite Luke’s head off for picking him. Maybe he really _had_ turned into a zombie, and this was just his hunger for brains manifesting itself.

 

They split up after that, as Phil had been assigned to judge the second years and bilingual students in a different room. When the speeches were all finished, he tracked down Natsumi and Kurumi as they were making their way back into the main auditorium to let them know he thought they’d both done a great job. Natsumi accepted his praise with a mumbled thanks and a quick bob of her head, but as she walked ahead with Mr. Watanabe, Kurumi hung back, looking up at Phil with a shy smile.

 

“Um, did you really mean it? Um, that you liked my speech?” she asked.

 

“Yeah, definitely,” he grinned. “You’ve gotten really good! I’m so proud of you.”

 

She bit her lip and returned his grin.

 

“Thank you, Phil-sensei!” she blurted out before dashing off to match strides with Natsumi, leaving him laughing and shaking his head. He’d been her teacher since she was a third year in primary school, and during that entire time she’d done everything she could to avoid having to speak English to him (or anyone). All the other kids knew she was a returnee, of course, but she knew better than to remind them of it. Once he’d figured out what was going on, he’d played along, never singling her out in class or speaking English to her in the corridors. He knew how much it sucked to stand out, but it was nice to see her feeling proud about her English ability for once.

 

When he slid into the empty seat next to Dan, the other ALT turned a smile on him that made his stomach drop like a lift whose cables had just snapped.

 

“I think Airi might actually win,” Dan whispered, his voice humming with suppressed excitement, and it was like the blood in Phil’s veins was humming right along with it.

 

He mumbled something in reply about how well Natsumi and Kurumi had done, but he was hardly thinking about them anymore.

 

He really needed to get a grip, he told himself, and continued to tell himself that throughout the rest of the third years’ speeches and into the lunch hour. It was just that… Dan was so _there_ all the time, like he was right now, sitting beside Phil as they ate their bento lunches in the fresh October air, with the side of his thigh just lightly grazing Phil’s, but he knew it meant nothing. Dan was just his co-worker. That’s the reason they were always together. Nothing else.

 

He checked his phone after lunch, and there was still no reply from Akari, but that was also nothing. Nothing to worry about.

 

Back inside, Luke had planned the usual games to keep the students occupied while the teachers tallied up the scores and determined the winners. Phil’s favorite was the snake _janken_ game where everyone ran around playing rock-scissors-paper with each other and, each time they lost, moved to stand behind the winner until only two undefeated people remained, each with their own conga line of losers snaking out behind. Phil always lost right away (How did some people always seem to win? Were they mind readers??), but that was okay because for him, the fun part was cheering on the person at the head of his own line.

 

Later, when the winners of the speech contest were announced, Dan’s prediction actually came true — Airi had won.

 

Beside him, Dan was gazing at him with eyes wide and shining, and Phil was surprised to find himself grinning back. This was Phil’s fifth English speech contest, and his third time having a student win first place (Nishichu wasn’t considered the top middle school in the area for nothing), and he’d expected it all to be old hat. But the excitement Dan exuded was contagious. Phil couldn’t help catching a little of it too. 

 

After the awards ceremony was over, he was standing chatting with Dan when Airi hurried up to them with her mother trailing behind.

 

“ _[Dan-sensei, Phil-sensei, this is my mother],”_ she introduced her, gesturing to the small woman, who then stepped forward. That’s when Phil noticed the tears streaming down the woman’s face.

 

“ _[Thank you, truly, for helping my child],”_ she murmured through her tears, offering them several deep bows as she covered her face to hold in a sob.

 

Phil could feel his own throat tighten as he returned her bow, bending just as low to show that he considered himself no better than she was.

 

“ _[No],”_ he managed to say through the tears choking his voice, “ _[Because Airi herself tried hard, she was able to succeed.]”_

 

_“Arigatou gozaimasu,_ ” Airi’s mother replied, bowing and making Airi bow with her. “ _[We have truly been taken care of.]_ ”

 

When they stood upright again, Phil caught sight of a few tears glistening in Airi’s eyes as well, and he knew the win meant more to her than she would ever let on. There hadn’t been many bright moments in the past two years for her or her family. Maybe this was just a small victory, but it was one she’d earned for them through her own hard work.

 

By the time Airi and her mother had gone, the tears were falling freely down his cheeks. Luckily, Dan had brought tissues. As he pulled a tissue from the packet Dan held out to him, he couldn’t help meeting the other ALT’s eyes, as wet with tears as his own. There was laughter behind them, though, that drew a corresponding laugh from Phil. He’d never been this happy to have a student win before, even during his first year here when everything had been exciting and new.

 

In moments like this, it occurred to him that maybe having Dan around all the time was a good thing.

 

They were in the car on their way home, chatting and eating their ice cream like they hadn’t a care in the world, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. As he scanned the words glowing across the screen, the smile immediately disappeared from his face, and Dan and Seiji’s conversation in the front seat turned into only so much white noise.

 

**Akari**

_[Don’t come over. I don’t want to see you right now.]_

 

It was as though her words had sucked the air right out of him. His lungs were vacuum-sealed bags. His brain was nothing but void. All he could do was stare at the white words on the black screen: 今ちょうどフィルと会いたくないわ。

 

_I don’t want to see you right now._

 

This wasn’t nothing. This was definitely something. This was definitely something bad, and he didn’t know what. There was a stabbing feeling in his lungs, and he drew in a difficult breath.

 

“Should I drop you off at your place?” he heard Seiji saying to Dan. Right. Right, he was in a car, with people. He had to keep it together. Everything was normal. Everything was fine. Dan would go home, and then he would go home, to his empty home, where Akari would not be coming to join him this evening…

 

“Your bike’s still at Nishichu, though, isn’t it?” he said, and wow. Wow, how normal his voice sounded.

 

But Dan was turning to look at him from the front seat, and he was still staring at his phone screen. Gotta look normal. Right. Normal. He locked the screen and looked up into Dan’s eyes, and he could see the laughter in them melt away into confusion. _Great job looking normal, Phil._

 

“You could just come back to my place instead,” he said, telling his mouth to form a smile, telling his voice to sound off-hand, “I’ll drive you over to get your bike later.”

 

He could see questions blooming behind Dan’s eyes, and he feared for a moment that they would start sprouting from his mouth as well, but no. Dan just said, “All right.”

 

All right. 

 

He should just call her. Would she even answer? Would that just make her angrier? Maybe he should skip calling and just go over there. No matter what she said, if he just showed up, she wouldn’t turn him away, right? Maybe this was a test. Reverse psychology. She really did want to see him… But Akari never played those sorts of games, at least not with him. When she wanted something, she told him. And she had just told him she didn’t want to see him—

 

“We’re here,” Dan was saying all of a sudden, and he looked up to see the dingy white face of his block of flats. Oh. They were here.

 

His mouth thanked Seiji for the ride, and his legs carried him out of the car and into the building, and his skin was vaguely aware of Dan’s body moving beside him, following him into the lift, but his mind was thinking _and if she says she doesn’t want to see me, then I must have really fucked things up—_

 

“Um, so what’s going on?” Dan’s voice cut across his thoughts again as the door of his flat swung shut and plunged them into darkness.

 

_Hell if I know_ , was the answer that sprang to his lips, but no. He needed to seem Normal.

 

“Hm?” he asked and pushed past Dan to lead the way inside.

 

In the kitchen, one chair was pulled a little way out, and he could just picture Akari curled up there, knees pulled up to her chest, hunched over a mug of tea he’d just made for her while she told him— 

 

But he drew a blank. The only thing he could imagine her telling him was that she didn’t want to see him.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

He took a breath. Dan was there. He’d invited Dan over precisely for this reason, precisely because he needed another person around to keep jarring him out of his own mind.

 

“Of course,” he replied in his Very Normal voice, “Let’s watch a movie.”

 

He dared a glance at Dan then. The confusion was there still, the questions shadowing the corners of his lips, but there were purple smudges beneath his eyes too, and redness around their edges. Poor Dan. Here he was, trying to help Phil hold himself together, when he hardly had the strength to hold his own eyes open.

 

“I know you’re tired,” Phil conceded. “We can watch it in the _tatami_ room instead,” and it seemed Dan lacked the energy to argue with this suggestion.

 

Thirty minutes into the movie, Dan was gone entirely, passed out on the _futon_ beside him, mouth hanging slightly ajar and breathing just shy of a snore. When Phil couldn’t concentrate on the movie anymore, he gave in and watched Dan instead.

 

He had really thick eyelashes. Phil had noticed that almost as soon as he met him. With his eyes closed, they made a pleasing contrast against the paleness of his cheeks. His lips were a very pretty color of pink, too. They stood just a little ways open now so that Phil could just see the moist inner edges of them, and he’d never noticed before, just how vulnerable and intimate a color pink was. His fringe had fallen across his eyes in a way that made Phil’s fingers itch to reach out and brush it aside. He was beautiful, Phil knew. He’d known that for a long time now.

 

He inched his way down the wall, going slowly so as not to disturb the man sleeping beside him, until at last he lay face to face with him.

 

“What are you even doing here?” he whispered to the lax face. “You should be at home asleep in your own bed.”

 

Dan didn’t even so much as twitch to show that he had heard Phil’s words. Phil’s lips curled up a little. He must truly have been exhausted.

 

“Why didn’t you sleep last night when you were supposed to?,” he went on, speaking a little louder now. “Was my bed really that uncomfortable? I slept just fine out here on the _futon_. I had a really nice dream, too.” He paused, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to grasp even the smallest filament of a memory of the dream— There had been someone laughing, a wide open mouth, and he’d felt warm, so warm inside— “I think you were there,” he whispered at last, once he’d opened his eyes again. “I think we were happy.”

 

He’d thought he was happy in his real life, too. Four days ago, everything had been just fine, all his plans in their proper order: England, Akari, a career, a marriage, a house, and someday, a family…

 

“Am I really so selfish for wanting things to be like that?” he asked, knowing Dan couldn’t hear and couldn’t answer. “She said it was what she wanted, too. Did I just believe her because I wanted to? Was I too naive, believing we wanted the same things?” He sighed, and Dan’s fringe stirred a little in the exhalation. He froze, waiting to see if Dan would wake. When he didn’t, Phil’s body relaxed again. He could feel that his own breathing was slowing to match the quiet in and out of air from Dan’s lungs. “What if she really is pregnant? What if I’m going to be a dad? What should I do?”

 

He tried to imagine it: There wouldn’t be a wedding, at least not yet. They’d fill out the paperwork — a new family register would have to be created for Akari, since as a foreigner, Phil wasn’t allowed to have one. They’d add him to hers, and then he’d go to the British Embassy to file the papers, and just like that they would be married. Would she move in here? No. His flat was definitely not baby-ready. They’d probably ending up living with her parents at first, at least until they could afford to buy a house of their own. How long would that take? He had a fair amount of money saved already. A year? Two maybe?

 

“So, two years from now… October of 2015, give or take a few months, future Phil could be living in a house that he owns with his wife and one-year-old child. Can you imagine that?” He shook his head a little against the _futon_. “I can’t. I really can’t.”

 

Because he would still be here, in this tiny little town, still working in the same job where he would never get a raise or a promotion or even so much as a “Teacher of the Year” award, still going to the same ALT parties where the other attendees would each year be a little younger than he was, still wondering what if… What if he hadn’t settled?

 

He raised a hand and covered his mouth, afraid he might say the words out loud now that he’d thought them.

 

“That’s a horrible thing to think, isn’t it?” he whispered when he felt it was safe to speak again. “I could be a dad already, right now, as we speak. There could be a baby out there that is going to rely on me for everything, and all I can think about is how it’s ruining my life. I’m horrible.”

 

Dan didn’t agree that he was horrible. Then again, he didn’t disagree either. Instead, he let out a huff of breath and shifted around a little. Phil paused again, worried that his talking had finally woken him. But he settled down after a moment, lips closed now in a sort of unconscious pout. Maybe he was dreaming about something sad. Phil hoped not. The expression was indescribably adorable, but he didn’t want Dan to feel sad.

 

“And I’m horrible because I’m lying here thinking about how adorable you are while my girlfriend is probably somewhere crying her eyes out over me.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. There was seriously something wrong with him. “Sometimes I wish you had never come here, Dan.”

 

As Phil spoke his name, the other man stirred a little, but his eyes stayed closed and his breathing deep, and Phil knew he was still asleep.

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil sighed. “Please don’t hate me.”

 

“Why would I hate you?” Dan slurred through sleepy lips, and Phil froze, heart suddenly pounding in the back of his throat.

 

How long had Dan been awake? How much had he heard? Oh, god, what if he’d heard him say he wish he’d never come? It wasn’t true! He took it back! He loved having Dan here, no matter how painful it sometimes was. Dan was one of the best things in his life right now. He drew in several deep breaths until he could speak again.

 

“I didn’t know you were awake,” he apologized, hoping Dan would understand.

 

“‘m not,” Dan’s lips barely opened to say, and then, before Phil could move away, Dan leaned his head forward and snuggled it against Phil’s chest, his forehead notching too perfectly into the space beneath Phil’s chin.

 

Phil’s heart rate ratcheted impossibly higher. Oh god, Dan was touching him. Dan was cuddled against his chest, and he could feel the heat of his breath and the soft tickling of his hair against his throat, and it felt so wonderful. Oh god, it felt too good.

 

He didn’t know if Dan was still awake, if he even knew what he had done, but for Phil it was as though, with that one small movement, he had demolished every barrier that Phil had so carefully built over these past few months, ever since the first moment it had struck him how impossibly wonderful his new co-worker was. His whole body was trembling now as he raised one hand and placed it on Dan’s rounded shoulder. He shouldn’t touch him. He knew. His palm tingled with the contact, and the heaviness in his chest shifted, from dread to elation. He was holding Dan, and Dan’s beautiful face was pressed against his heart, and it felt so marvelous. He hadn’t known anything could feel so incredible before. Not even the first time he had held Akari—

 

He snatched his hand back.

 

What was he doing? Shit. What was he doing?

 

He didn’t know, but whatever it was, he had to stop. Now. Right now, while it was still an indefinite thing, something that he wouldn’t have to name, something he could eventually discard, re-label as a nothing.

 

He rolled away and stood. He needed to call Akari, or text her or something. He needed to talk to her again, soon, as soon as possible.

 

He breathed a shaky breath out through his mouth and looked down at Dan, still lying half-on, half-off the _futon_.

 

“You should get onto it properly if you’re going to sleep there,” he muttered, and to his surprise, after a few moments, Dan rolled over and crawled up onto the _futon_ fully, and it wasn’t cute at all, the way he inched up it like a little caterpillar. Phil grabbed up the duvet and yanked it over him until it more or less covered him, and then he stalked out of the room and practically slammed the door shut behind him.

 

Now where was his cell phone?


End file.
